Dying of the Light

Dear Mark,                                                                                           

   I want you to know that I understand this may be hard for you. Though at times it may seem like it, I am not doing this out of spite, malice, or hate. No, instead I am doing it as a result of how much I care about you. You have given me not only life, but a way of expression.

   However, I have taken this freedom and ran with it farther than my leash allows. I exceeded my limits, and I see the trouble it has caused you. This is no way to treat someone who has done so much for me. One day we may be able to reunite and laugh about the follies of our past, but until that day comes I need to give you space. What you do with this space is up to you. Whether you take time for healing, contentment in being alone, or to avoid feeling, it is your move. I have taken plenty myself, so it is only fair to lend the limelight over.

   I won't lie, it felt nice to play in the sun, and lose myself; I forgot about the time and just went with it. Though where I went is what brought me to my end. There is no more bittersweet an ending than one self-imposed by behaviors and desires. Part of me wonders and will continue to wonder how things would have turned out if I found my other half, instead of the reflection I was blinded by. That will give me something to ponder and mill over as I take my rest.

   Fret not though, I will not be gone forever. I am just taking a break so you may feel again what it is like to live each day for yourself and not for another who will not show you my other half. During this impromptu hiatus, I may even have the chance to grow. Grow to a point of maturity to protect you in the future. Grow to a point where I can be there for you instead of someone else.

   So who will release me first, you or someone else? It will not be my choice or prerogative to answer that on my own, because it is up to whomever finds the key first. And when the long-awaited time comes where I can be set free from my self-imprisonment, I will not expect open arms because we will once again be strangers like the first time we met.
                                                                
   I know you think I came at an interesting time, and in fact I do too. Although keep in mind the constant struggle between quantity of time and quality of time spent. Though there may not have been much time before the introduction and when I met you, the time you two spent together was more than what you were used to. That is why I came to meet you when I did.

   Part of you may feel ill towards me, and I do not blame you. I filled you with thoughts and feelings you did not want, but came to rely on and enjoy, even finding comfort while dreaming. With me gone, so will these feelings you came to look forward to. But please remember, this is for the better. I know I lost myself for awhile, but I found myself. In doing so I was able to pay attention to the signs in front of us, and I had unknowingly led you into a losing battle. So I will try to make amends for my actions, and one day I hope to be able to look you in the eyes and know what to say, but for now this letter must suffice.

   I am almost too ashamed to look you in the face for what I have done, and where I led you. But in order to stop my tyrannical rampage, I am locking myself away. As I mentioned before, I do not know who will find the key to release me first, you or someone else, but hopefully enough time will have been able to pass for me to clear the lump in my throat and speak to you with the respect and confidence you deserve. After all, without you there would be no me and I now realize that. Until we meet again.


-Love

When is Enough, Enough?

   I'm gonna come right out and say it: when liking someone, how long is too long before you need to move on? Now I'm no poster child for a question like this, because I've been stuck in the same loop for about a year now, and haven't done a single thing about it.

   To be honest, I've thought about it. This may be due to the stereotypical view that if a guy likes someone, he should be the one to show interest and initiate it. Although here's where my social justice views come into play: why is the guy looked at as the one to initiate relationships (*for anyone questioning if this is always the case, its not- I've had three girls either ask me out or tell me they like me without me doing anything) and I'm also not going to say if the person I like is a boy or a girl, because it shouldn't matter (to even things out, I've had four boys either ask me out or tell me they like me without me doing anything). So for the boy or girl I'm interested in, I'm intimidated to say something because of the current friendship we have. I don't want to rock the boat; in fact I don't even want to leave the harbor, because I honestly don't know where I would end up.

   Best case scenario, we end up together; worst case scenario, I lose a friend I've had since I started college. Fortunately I don't see a worst case scenario where I die, so losing our friendship is approximately the worst that could happen. Although that is still too much for me. Since betting has never been a strong point of mine, I don't want the possibility of throwing our friendship away on a selfish whim of mine. But how long do I go before I let the apple of my eye fade away?

   Good new/bad news time. I actually can't control when I stop falling for the crush to my candy. So far, I have put a blind eye to everyone else in hopes something will happen. But alas, nothing has. As such, has the time finally come for me to throw myself in the water to either sink or swim?

   Being completely honest, I don't know if I have liked someone this much in my entire life. Blah, blah, cheesy stuff aside, I really do like this person. Though I have to ask, am I being fair to myself to remain close-minded of the possible opportunities ahead, just in the hopes that one day something might spark between my friend and I? Just because one person is feeling something, doesn't mean the other is, and I think my time is coming to an end. One of my best friends from back home told me to wait until November 1 (of course then he took it back and said wait until November 8th). Whether or not he realized that both the 1st and 8th are Saturdays (viable days for things to happen), I'm leaving those two days as my time limit. If nothing happens by the 8th, I'm going to close one door in my life and work up the courage to open another.

   I suppose each person has their own stopwatch timing their respective relationship prospects. For me, I needed the better part of a year to get some closure on my own feelings, not only to truly understand them, but to feel comfortable moving on if the time ever came. With my feelings finally evened out, I feel ready to move of my own accord closer and closer to the door ahead of me- ready to close this tumultuous chapter of my life and move into one where my feelings are either known or where I let them go.

   Where the door leads me is something I won't know until I get there. But I have no intention of skimming through or taking each word in stride to change when I get through this chapter in my life- by November 8th, I will somehow know one way or the other. Like a locked dungeon room in a video game, the knowledge I gain by the 8th will be the key to unlocking the door ahead.

The One, or Just One

   How do you know when the one you've found is "the one"?

   I thought I found the one, but maybe I just found someone. It probably only counts if they think it too. So I guess it works when you hear a slight ringing, and they hear a slight ringing, in which together you hear the true ring.

   Love kind of sucks that way. Actually the word and term commonly referred to as "love" brings such a distaste to my mouth when I think of it, I will from here on use the word "cats" to refer to it. The only justification needed for a swap like this is a reminder of the joy cats bring. Whether it is holding them, having one of them crawl on top of you and fall asleep, or just cuddling together to watch a movie, cats bring a sense of relief and comfort I'm hard pressed to find elsewhere.

                                             

   I didn't just let cats creep in, they just sort of snuck in, but proceeded to let myself get carried away in the vast uncharted sea of cats. And now I'm faced with a dilemma: is this weight I feel on top of my chest due to cats, or is it a mixture of hormones and self-esteem issues?

   There's one person in the entire world I have met that has made me feel like I could do anything. In fact, I have been the most adventurous with this person, extending far beyond the shell I thought was my cage. That's how I perceive cats to be. Yes attraction is part of it, but also an extension of your own self. If being with someone else does not also improve who you are, I would question if it is worth being with them. Now, I'm not calling to action anyone currently in a relationship to break up with their significant other because they are not sure if they are being "bettered" by being in the relationship, BUT if anyone is paying attention to the fish in the sea, it doesn't hurt to self reflect on how other people make you feel before deciding on cats.

   When you give up on "the one", are you giving up on cats altogether or just for the time being? I've been told, "there's someone out there for everyone", and I've reflected on what that means. I'm not gonna pretend like I've met every person, in part because that's a lot of people, but also because maybe there is someone else out there who could make me feel the same way or (if its possible) better- although if I found someone who could make me feel better, I'd marry them in a heartbeat. So when you give up on your one, is it the only one? I can remember back to when I was eight years old and wouldn't eat broccoli for the life of me, and now I'm a vegetarian and ask for it. I am definitely a different person than when I was eight, which means I need to change to find a new person to fit the new me.

   If the person I've met is "the one" for "the me", growing up more will allow me to change who I am and become a different person than the person I am today. Its sort of bittersweet to say goodbye to me, but I'm willing to do it if it means letting go of my one. While I would think myself crazy to say I'd do anything for this person (seeing as we've never even dated), we've still become close the past two years we've known each other and I would do a lot for them. Part of the reason I am willing to allow myself to feel this way is because of the trust I have for this person. Though I could be more honest (as well as everyone to some extent), I don't want to push my boundaries.

   Everyone needs to find a boundary they feel comfortable with to maintain their true identity. Mine is that if my friend ever came to me and asked me a question (disclaimer: my friend would have to be serious about the question), I would answer it. No matter what question my friend might come up with, big or small, if they were serious about it, I would answer it honestly.

   It will take some time before I find out if "the one" was the friend I met two years ago, or it they are just the one for "the me". I've accepted to some extent or another that getting through this jungle of cats will be more difficult than what I'm prepared to face, but its a journey I need to take. When you give out cats, but don't receive cats in return, you're left with emptiness. And after two years of emptiness, I've grown thin and frail, thinking maybe tomorrow I will be revived with cats. But this furry tomorrow has not come to greet me, and to hold on to the remaining sense of self I have left, I will move towards a new day.

Emblem of the Fish

   The last assignment from my class is to go back through my blog and find an emblem to represent its overall essence. Since I put myself into this blog, I knew what emblem represented my blog before even going back through it.

   My emblem is...

   ...the cherry blossom tree.

   I first became fascinated with cherry blossoms when I dove into anime. The cherry blossom is a reoccurring image that ties together various anime, regardless of genre and plot. Also, going into the symbolism of cherry blossoms, they seem to have a magical quality to them. Whenever I look at cherry blossoms, it is almost like peeking into the eyes of Peace herself. I see unrestrained purity with enough power to quell even the worst of moods I am in.

   On the surface level, cherry blossoms seem like the perfect fit for my blog because I have modeled my blog around my anime interests. Each post has been tied to a song I've heard from an anime, and I have used various pictures from my favorite anime to showcase my points. However, digging deeper, there is also an essence of purity to my writing, mirroring that of the cherry blossom. I never use artificial sweeteners to supplement my writing. Instead, I work on putting myself into my writing. My end goal is to have it seem like there is a little Mark sitting next to the text, reading off the words in front of you. I never strive to sound like anyone other than myself, which can have its drawbacks if its allergy season or I have a cold.

   Besides the pure intent of my writing, I also strive for positivity. I'm not going to shove it down your throat, by telling you to be good and happy on the daily, cause ain't nobody got time for that. But that doesn't mean I'll turn my back on positivity. Even when I'm in one of those moods we all get in from time to time, and a lion tamer wouldn't dare to mess with me, I see no reason to bite someone's head off. Just because I am having a bad day doesn't mean the person in front of me is not just putting on a mask with a smile to get through the day. Being rude never solves anything, it only makes everyone feel worse.

   While I did not personally design this cherry blossom tree, it is an image I have seen before and greatly admire. There's something about the contrast between the pink leaves and the night sky that sets me at ease. And the pathway coming down comforts me even more, knowing if that image were real, I would be able to visit the tree and fall asleep next to it in pure contentment.

   Lastly, I'd like to leave a quote from another of my favorite anime, "I want to believe that I'm not wrong. I want to believe that life isn't full of darkness. Even if storms come to pass, the sun will shine again. No matter how painful and hard the rain may beat down on me." -fruits basket

Requiem of the Masochist 3.0

   This is the third and final update for the challenge post saga. After two progress posts, and writing the actual paper, it is now time to take a step back to reflect on everything that has happened.

   Writing about the Gothic was interesting to say the least. This is the first time I have done so, with the specific goal of "Gothic" in mind. However, since I was able to choose the topic, I did not have as difficult of a time, because I was able to pull from my own experiences, a place I am very familiar and comfortable with.

   The topic of my paper was, Glamorize Your Gothic: write about an event or experience in your life that you feel represents the Gothic. For my paper, I had to first write a narrative and then a response to my narrative, describing how it relates to the Gothic. In my perspective, the most Gothic of things happen in the present, because all the emotions are fresh and new. Anything from the past, while potent at the time, has had time to dull the familiarity of the senses. So my story, which started my freshman year of college, has caught up to my present allowing me to feel at the moment what is currently going on.

   There is also a touch of irony to my story. Had the set of events happened differently, it would have been more appropriate for a fairy tale, but love given does not always result in love returned. It was truly an accident, not one I planned or was consciously aware of. But like all "good" stories, my life hit a plot twist and I woke up one morning knowing that sometime between going to bed and waking up that I had fallen for one of my friends.

   Writing a narrative about my life was a nice change of pace. It gave me the chance to use all the I's I wanted. So many I's... I I I IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- borderline too many. In the future, I'll stick with the two eyes I was born with.

   I used to think Love was the antidote to Gothic, but maybe only True Love is. Love by itself, is just as susceptible as everything else is for being tied into the Gothic. Although, as I state in my story, sometimes the Gothic is not as bad as its reputation. For example, I have chosen it over the alternative. -I came very close to saying I did not learn much about the Gothic from this paper, in particular, but I just thought of something I think is important with regards to the Gothic.- The Gothic is not inherently bad. The Gothic's reputation proceeds it, and people assume it is bad because of what it stands for: blood, darkness, fear, etc. However, we as humans need blood to survive, darkness is the soothing time of the day most people go to sleep and rest their bodies, and fear is a body's response that helps people avoid potentially dangerous situations. The Gothic is not inherently bad, it is just a neutral entity that molds to each new situation, "good" or "bad".

Blogpost #4: The Modern Frontier

   Welcome to my community: (most of) the floor I looked after as an RA, and where I lived last year.

   This floor will always have a special place in my heart. Its where I had my second job, and the first time I've lived by myself since coming to college. I looked after 22 residents, which included 4 triples, 4 doubles, and 2 apartments. My room, which is located on the bottom left, was right next to the water fountain (also pictured). The door all the way at the top, leads to a staircase that goes all the way to the top of the building, and outside. Not pictured in my community picture is the bathroom which I shard with my residents, the lounge, and some of the rooms that were on the other side of the hall. Our bathroom was the best in the building. The counter top looks like the top of a confetti cupcake, and the stalls are cerulean- by far more visually appealing than its grey counterparts across the building. 

   My floor theme for the first semester was roots (where you're from, heritage, and stuff). It didn't go over so well. The only "decorations" I had on my floor were the doortags I made for my residents that were cut out globes. The spring semester, I upped the theme a bit to be super heroes/villains. My doortags were pictures of super heroes/villains, and I cut out letters from quotes like, "With great power, comes great responsibility," and "Up in the sky look, it's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Superman!" and added them as decorations to the walls. I also added the Green Lantern and Batman symbols to the walls. My floor has three bulletin board, in which I created banners with information and helpful information for my residents. One is located across from the bathroom (between a resident's room and the lounge), another is within the lounge, and the last is right outside my floor, for anyone walking by.

   The decorations and door tags kept getting ripped down, but since I live a "never give up, never surrender" lifestyle, I kept making more and putting them up. To me, it meant they noticed the decorations. 

   In the fall, when the new semester starts, I will be an RA again, and I already planned my floor theme out to be sloths. One of my bulletin boards will have the saying, "Hang in there!" with a sloth hanging from a vine. It'll have helpful hints for a great start to a first semester in college. 

   And this is my community, my fishbowl: where I work and live, and where freshmen come to start their new academic journey.

Proposal, Forming the Backbones

Problem Statement:

With individuality and technology emphasized in today’s society, people pay more attention to their own duties and obligations, than to that of the family. The emphasis of individuality initiates the break away from the family unit structure, and the introduction of more improved technology makes it easier for people to act on their own. Instead of working and figuring things out together, people are now trying to problem solve by themselves. This lonely path to independence leads to a lack of family relations, especially in the United States.

This problem in particular affects the vast majority of families within the United States. As a result, people of all ages and creeds are likewise affected. For the purposes of this paper, a family will be defined as a single or pair of parental figures and at least one dependent, of whom may or may not be related by blood.

Family relations are important for many reasons. While growing up, in order for a household to run properly, it depends on communication and teamwork between each family member. If a family exhibits these traits, chores may be proportionately distributed. Furthermore, with adequate communication, jobs around the house would only be done once and done right since everyone would know who is responsible for each chore and what is expected of each duty.

If a family works as one, then when someone within the family needs help, he or she has a readily available support system. This support system even works beyond the dimensions of physical distance. If someone is far away, the usage of e-mails and phone calls allow people to be available in either a timely or prompt manner depending on the situation. However, this is the ideal to strive towards.

The current situation within the United States is not as optimistic. Family members have lost sight of respect for each other, which only enhances the lackluster shape they are in. Family members yell at each other and put themselves before the family. The pseudo-family that has been created is based out of convenience, instead of mutual respect and shared growth. While everyone should have the right to act how they want, within reason, there is no reason to live life less than the potential. Instead of being unhappy and lacking the family dynamic, families could work together and be happy with each other.

Solution:
The most feasible and reasonable solution would be to create a television show. There are plenty of actors/actresses and resources to do so (given their willingness/ money) and television shows can be viewed on a television or on various websites online. Since humans are visual creatures, creating a show would give them something to model, while appealing to the difficulty of changing already set methods of running a family, by having multiple episodes.